Tulips Like I Have Never Seen Before

I was really surprised with myself when I told my good old friend that I would meet her in Amsterdam over last weekend. I was kind of worried that my viral illness would spoil the trip...but my tummy was fine. No further diarrhoea, no further vomiting. The only problem was nausea... but that also settled when I arrived at Amsterdam. :)

Tulips were the main attraction in Amsterdam that I really wanted to see. And I was not disappointed. The Keukenhof Garden is certainly a MUST when you are in Amsterdam. Unfortunately, the flowers only bloom during spring time...so I guess, it is best to visit the garden just about now.

The tulips were extremely beautiful, colourful and smelt really really nice. The tulips were fat and sturdy. They stood tall amongst all the other flowers displayed at the Keukenhof Garden. The blue muscari flowers, or also known as the grape hyacinths, had a really strong sweet scent. Somehow, even though my friend and I spent 6 hours walking around the garden, I did not feel tired....In fact, I felt relaxed and satisfied.

Spectacular!

The colours were so vibrant.

The carpet of tulips...















A flower mosaic resembling the dragon. It consisted of over one thousand flower buds, and was created to celebrate the Beijing Olympics.















Colourful...

The Sunset Orange Tulip, was measuring nearly 15 cm in diameter!!!

Arent they gorgeous?















A nice little pond in the garden.















Ballerina Tulips.















More tulips.

Viral Bug Had Hit Me

It has been more than 10 years since I last vomited.

It was really strange vomiting yesterday. The day started off really nicely. I woke up from bed feeling absolutely normal and hungry, as usual. I went on to have my usual cereal breakfast and drove to work. Halfway through my journey, my stomach didnt really feel right. But I thought maybe it was wind.

Anyway, I proceeded to do my daily ward rounds....and about an hour and a half later, I just felt queasy. I could feel a lump building up in my throat. I am sure you know the feeling just before vomiting...you get that sour taste at the back of the throat...that was how I felt yesterday. At that time, I managed to stop myself from vomiting....unfortunately, 15 minutes later, the same sour taste started again....(mind you, about 30 minutes before this, I was reviewing a patient's chronic leg ulcers, and I could bear the minging smell of the ulcers. However, I think because I was not feeling 100%, it kind of exacerbated my nausea).

Quickly, I headed to the toilet...and almost immediately, I vomited quite a huge amount of liquid and my breakfast! yuck! It was not a pleasant feeling. My throat felt sore after all the retching.

I felt so relieved after vomiting, although the nausea and abdominal discomfort persisted. I proceeded to join the ward round after that... I did not want to make a huge fuss about it. Moreover, the hospital was short of staff, and I am not too sick to take leave.

I was not too bad all day. During my journey back from work, I started to feel really nauseated again. I was like *Oh Shite! I was in the middle of a busy motorway...I could not find a place to stop my car properly, and I was going to vomit any minute. It was awful! I did not want to vomit all over my clothes or in my car....so I decided to empty my tissue box and use it to contain my vomit. Fast thinking, eh? :P

Anyway, I managed to park along the hard shoulder on the highway. I opened my car door...and started to retch. But nothing came out. About 5 minutes of rest and with the help of some fresh air, I felt better and continued my journey home.

I slept early and woke up intermittently overnight. I felt slightly better this morning, but had body ache all over. I did not vomit today...but I still do not feel back to my normal self. I looked pale and drained....silly viral bug! I had some dinner...but felt sick after it. Oh well, I just hope that I'll be fine by this weekend! :)

Takut lah...

With reference to my previous entry, I had to face my fear yesterday.

A patient died peacefully in one of the wards. It was 10 pm at night, and I was asked to certify her death.

At first, I didn't think much about it......until, I stepped into the room. There I saw a pale, white female patient, lying on the bed, with her eyes closed and her mouth gaped open. As I approached her body, the scene from The Orphanage suddenly flashed in front of my eyes.

Honestly, I kind of felt scared. As silly as it may sound, I was actually SERIOUSLY worried that she would grab my hand when I auscultate her chest to listen for any heart or breath sounds. Takutlah....

So I hesitated for awhile. I was rather tempted to ask if the nurse would accompany me in the room. However, I reassured myself that she is definately dead, and stop acting like a small kid. Before touching her body, I introduced myself to the dead body and explained what I was going to do. The 3 minutes that I took to certify her death, felt forever!!

*phew I left the room hurriedly and was really glad that the body did not wake up from the dead!

Traumatised by The Orphanage

The Orphanage is a Spainish film about a grown-up orphan who purchased her beloved childhood orphanage with dreams of restoring the long abandoned facility as a place for disabled children.

My friends told me that it is a horror film....and I don't fancy watching films in this category. I was reluctant to watch it initially, but got dragged along by my friends.

The show was actually quite good... The story unfolded very nicely, but it was SCARY!! The scariest scene was where a bus knocked an old lady. A man performed CPR, but she did not survive. Her face was covered with a white cloth. The lead female characterer (lets call her X) approached the dead body and wanted to take a whistle which was hanging by the body's neck. As X's hand inched closer to the whistle, all of a sudden, the hand of the dead the body grabbed on her wrist. *yikes! I jumped!! It was creepy...

This scene has changed my life.... I don't think I can face a dead body ever again by myself. In my medical profession, I have to certify dead bodies. It is not an intimidating procedure (except for the first time performing it). However, after watching this scene, I am really scared... I would now worry that the dead body would suddenly spring into life and open his/her eyes, or even grab my hand!!

I know it sounds silly...but heck... I am traumatised...at least for the next few months! haha.

Dear Oh Dear...

Do not be surprised to see my car's picture or my name in the newpapers tomorrow morning.

I do not sleep well post night on-call. The most I get is 3 to 4 hours. On-calls are on-calls, busy busy bee. So I do not get a chance to catch a short nap. Moreoever, there is no on-call room for medicine....ie, no place to rest anyway. Therefore, driving home from work is extremely dangerous.
Yesterday, while driving home, I started to doze off about 15 minutes into my journey. Lucky me, traffic was very slow...and I was not driving fast. Otherwise, I really do not know what would happen to me. Thank god for keeping me alive till this second.

In the end, I made an exit from the motorway and parked at one of those shopping malls along the road. Almost immediately, I fell asleep.......zzzZZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzz..... the next time I opened my eyes, it was 12 pm! I slept nearly an hour and a half!! gosh.

Passer-bys must have thought I was mad. But I am glad that I managed to nap awhile before continuing the journey. Today, I was not too bad...managed to pry my eyes open throughout the entire journey home. So if you see my name in the papers tomorrow morning, you would be able to predict what happened.

Funny Night

It was a busy night on call. This hospital that I am currently working in was the first hospital in Scotland which adopted the "Hospital Emergency Care Team" at night. The team includes 2 nurses, 2 medical doctors, and 2 surgical doctors, who were responsible for any emergencies or problems that occur either in the wards or the receiving units.

It is scary, trust me. It was only my 1st week in general medicine, and I am apparently, "the second most senior medical doctor on call?!" Yikes!

Anyway, the night started off pretty busy. There were a number of patients who were unwell, you know, the usual chest pain, shortness of breath, abdominal pain, malaena and haematemesis. One of the patients in particular was really funny, but annoying.

He was in his late 30s, with alcoholic liver disease. I was called urgently to see him, as he started to scream in pain suddenly. I rushed off to see him after reviewing a patient with saturations of 88% on 3 L of oxygen. Just as I pushed open the double doors, I could hear him screaming in pain. The nurses looking after him looked pretty stressed.

I went to his bed....and there was jaundiced man clutching his tummy and moaning in pain. I asked him what was wrong...and he didn't answer. I asked him where exactly is his pain...again, no answer. Instead, he took my hands and rubbed them on his tummy. He has a distended abdomen, which apparently just developed over the past 2 days, according to the nurses. I continued to fire him a few questions, but I never got an answer from him. All he did was scream in pain.

During this entire conversation, I heard a voice of another man in the background. This man was saying, "It is all in his head, he does not have any abdominal pain, he needs a psychiatry assessment." I looked at the nurse who was assisting me with this patient. She smiled and whispered, "Don't worry...it is the patient next to him. He is a retired GP, who is likely to be suffering from Korsakoffs."

Right.

The voice continued, "Tell him to shut up and he will be fine." "He does not need anything for the pain. He is disturbing everyone...and now I can't go to bed."

A few minutes later, he suddenly appeared behind the curtains and said, "I can help. Is that the doctor (while looking at me)? Tell her if she needs advice, I would happy to give some." He had messy hair and was walking around the ward with sunglasses. It is amazing how he could find his way around the room, as none of the lights were switched on, apart from the bedlight beside the man in pain.

I could not help smiling, and it was difficult to stop myself from giggling. The man in pain continued to moan despite morphine. What I found funny was why he did not talk...I mean, come on, no matter how painful you are, you would be able to give me at least 1 word answers. Once the morphine started to kick in, his moan kinda slowed down... So I thought I would go and reassess him.

Unfortunately, when I appeared at his bed, his moan grew louder. Again, I attempted to ask him a couple of questions, but my efforts proved futile. Somehow, I felt that he was "at it." The nurses told me that he normally speaks and has not known to be a difficult patient. Strange.

I could not be any happier when I handed my on call pager to the person in the morning!

Pink -> Blue -> White & Cold

I felt so nauseated yesterday.

It was my second day in the respiratory ward. I was not late this time. In fact, I thought the day started just fine....I began my rounds at 9 am sharp.

One patient after another, I finally arrived at a lady patient who has been having recurrent infective exacerbations of COPD. When I saw her yesterday, she was short of breath even at rest, but maintaining her sats above 90% with oxygen. She appeared anxious as well. I have been giving her some oramoph yesterday in order to reduce her anxiety and make her comfortable. Looking through her notes, I noted that her condition deteriorated yesterday. She dropped her saturations. However, she managed to improve overnight.

When I met her yesterday morning, she remained breathless but in fact, I felt she looked abit brighter and less anxious. I asked her how she was doing. She replied, "Oh much better doctor. I was abit unwell last night. But I feel so much better now." I noticed that she did not have her vital signs checked since 6 am this morning, so I asked if the nurse could repeat it. Unfortunately, her saturations were only 81%!!

I sent off her arterial blood gas and gave her some more nebulisers and oramorph. Her saturations improved. I went on to review other patients, while waiting for the results of her ABGs to come back. However, a nurse came up to me and said, "Ling, come now."

I ran over to see the same lady...and there she was, staring straight into the curtains in front of her. I caller her name many times, but she did not respond. Her breathing was laboured. I was like, "Oh no!"

I got the arrest trolley and was about to send out an arrest call...when the nurse told me that she was not for resuscitation. I knew that she was not for ITU or invasive ventilation, but I did not know she was not for CPR. I was glad, in a way, that the nurse pointed this out to me, otherwise, I would be conducting a CPR on her unnecessarily.

In a split second, I noticed her colour changed... from pink, to blue...and then, she was as white as a sheet. A second later, her tongue protruded out of her mouth. I knew her spirit had left her. I gave her high flow oxygen in a final attempt to keep her comfortable. She had an extremely slow pulse of only 1 beat every 5 seconds....and not too long after, her heart just stopped beating. Her hands suddenly felt cold to me....

I felt really sick after the whole event. I felt a lump building inside my throat and oesophagus. It was not because I was going to burst into tears...hmm, I don't know how to describe my feelings then. It was just horrible, to witness a cardiac arrest. I have seen many arrests...but this is different.... I literally watched her die. The only comfort I got was the fact that I gave her more oramorph to keep her comfy. So hopefully, she did not die painfully. I lost my appetite completely after that event.

I could not ask for a better afternoon. The rest of my day was not as bad as the day before. I went home, still thinking about this lady....may you rest in peace, my dear.

Back to the Buzzling World of General Medicine

First day at work in general medicine as a SHO....hmm....did not really go very well.

1. There were cattles and horses running wildly along the highway. Although I left my flat 10 mins earlier, I was 20 mins late to work. Not a good impression at all.

2. Arrived at the hospital. Now where should I report? See, I have been contacting the relevant people...but none of them seem to wanna tell me which dept I was meant to report. So I walked from one secretary to another...before finally told that I would be based in respiratory for the next 4 months.

3. Got the short straw. I had to review patients under this particular consultant who was on-call over the weekend. So obviously, he had many more patients spread over the entire hospital... not to mention those that were already in the respiratory ward.

4. To make matters worse, I had to stop my rounds at 11 am to attend an induction. The induction was to give all new doctors about the nature of the job and our rotas. Damn.... an hour flew by just like that....argghh...still have many patients to review.

5. As I am new in these wards, I did not know where to look for the notes. I did not know the patients very well (which made me spend more time reading through their notes...and it was not easy reading the "cakar ayam" doctors' handwriting).

6. Then, I became the bad person because 2 of the patients were apparently fasted since midnight, but was not on the list for their upper GI endoscopy! So they fasted for nothing...and I was blamed...sigh. All I could do was apologised...but they were obviously not happy. After investigating further, I soon found out that no referral was made by the doctors before me... sigh. How irresponsible!

My legs were like jelly, my lips were cracking, my head was pounding due to dehydration, my stomach was rumbling, my urine was so concentrated... You know, sometimes I wonder, why we are al so concerned about a patient's urine output, when my own output was <10ml/hour as well? This is the reality of medicine I suppose. We work hard to ensure patients are well, but we tend to forget that we are also human, and could potentially become a patient if we don't look after ourselves. And sometimes, patients think we are bionic human...

Shiok Betul

:D

Went to the Spa on Sunday....wow, it was super shiok.

It started off with a foot scrub and massage. Followed by a relaxing and pampering session of facial and also, neck, shoulders and arms massages... Oh man...I felt I was in another world. A world where everything is so nice, comfy, relaxing and nice smelling! The aromatherapy that filled the room was amazing. The therapist was really good... She just had the right amount of pressure during the massage; you know, not too tickly and also not too soft. I felt the tension in every single muscle of my body disappearing. My eyes started to sink deeper into the socket...and yes, I actually fell asleep during this 70 minute session! haha. It was a fortune to pay...but heck, I think I deserve some pampering sometimes...keke. Think I will go again someday during stressful times.

I went to the spa with a few friends. Then, we went back to SzeLeng's house. It was her birthday, and I promised to bake a carrot cake for her. And yes I did! And I am so proud of myself. I used to be a baking virgin...but now, I think I have mastered it....and in fact, believe it or not, I love baking!!! :D Check out my carrot cake below.

The birthday girl and the carrot cake, that was baked by me! :) and it was cheesy topping.

Baking Mood

I was in the baking mood over the easter weekend...

On Sunday, I made a fruit loaf. And then, on Monday, I made chocolate brownies. It was my first time making brownies...and I am proud of myself, because it was a success! woohoo! I have never baked a cake in my life so far...it was an achievement indeed. :D

SzeL owns a fantastic cake recipe book. As it is her birthday this Sunday, I have asked her to choose her birthday cake from her recipe book....and I will bake it for her. She chose a carrot cake. So this weekend will be spent on finding the ingredients and baking the cake. I will keep this site updated on how the cake turn out.

Me & my choc brownie, Hoon & her Sarawak Laksa.

Sarawak Laksa...looked as good as from the shops! it was excellent.

My chocolate brownie, served with vanilla ice-cream, strawberry and raspberries.

Yam Seng!

All of us @ dinner.

Eggies, Chicks, and Bunnies

Happy Easter everyone!

It is time to unwrap your easter eggs/bunnies and munch them up all.

hehe... This year, I was fortunate to receive an easter egg from one of my patients. HY gave me a wee golden easter bunny that comes with a bell! :D I can't stop smiling now....coz I LOVE chocolates.

My easter project this year is super cute. hehe... I made 3 little chicks and 3 boxes. I filled the boxes with wee easter eggies...in fact, they resembled bird's eggs. I am proud of my project..:D

The 3 little chicks and their friend, white mouthless monster.

This naughty chick stepped on top of the mouthless monsters.

Origami basket filled with eggies!!

There! The final product!

Now, it is trying to be friends with the golden bunny.

Also, HY, SL and I went to Luss, a small beautiful town within The Trossachs National Park. The drive along the country roads were pretty, not to mention, the little black-faced sheeps and highland coos frolicking on the field throughout our journey. It took slightly more than an hour. We walked around Luss and had lunch at a nice cosy tartan coffee shop... It was really a good day...and it all ended with dinner at Nandos! yes... I really miss Nandos, and I am glad that I can get it here. hehe.. we all ordered the Extra Hot peri-peri 1/4 chicken... ahhh....satisfying.

Luss (snow capped mountains far far away)

A pretty garden.

A famous coffee shop in Luss....the food was not bad, but I was amazed with the decorations.. very tartan.
Check out the teapot!

The peaceful and serene view of a river that flows through the town.

A church in Luss.

That's me...

1, 2, 3, breathe...

breathe

breeaaathhheee

bbbbrreeeeeaaaatttthhheeee

I think I may require a few doses of propranolol to help with my "nerves."

In fact, I should take those yellow diazepam tablets to make me slightly whoozy.

argh. stress-nya!

On a brighter note, it is Easter weekend...but still have to go to work. But, at least I could indulge myself in chocolate eggs or bunnies! Chocolates are undoubtedly therapeutic! :)

SIGH. Guess this post doesn't make any sense...but who cares!

x-o-x-o gossip girl

Hands up who has watched the whole season of Gossip Girl?

I'm nearly at the end of the series...and man, it is seriously addictive!!

It is almost similar to The O.C, except that this whole series is based on the book, "Gossip Girl." I remember reading them a few years ago...but I think I only got to the 6th book, and never managed to continue after that. The books are really addicitve too... its like you just simply can't put the book down once you start reading it.

hehe... I'm going to continue my gossip girl marathon now! Cheers!

Show Me Your ID

I felt I needed something to calm me down, something to take my "nerves" away.

To cut straight to the point, I needed a glass of wine to chill.

So I went to Morrisons and bought a bottle of Blue Nun red wine (i thought to myself, if I am going to drink wine, might as well go for the one with more benefits...although i absolutely love white wine, red wine would be good for my heart! :P)

You know, after all the work-related stress, I feel very old. New wrinkles are popping out around my eyes, my forehead, etc. I am not young anymore.

Surprisingly, the cashier asked me, "I need to see some ID please."

"Oh, oh ok," I replied....still wondering why he would like to see my ID when I am definitely way above the age to buy alcohol.

He was a little surprised after looking at my birth date. haha.

I smiled to myself...hehe...guess I still look like I am under 21 years old!

Now, my cheeks are pink, slight palpitations, and slightly dizzy.... my muscles are all relaxed, I am ready for bed. Looks like I am calling it a day at 10 pm!! Nite nite!

Friends and Food

The best way to catch up with friends is to meet up at a nice restaurant, enjoy good food, chit chat, laugh and snap photos to catch these good memories.

Recently, Sze Ern, came up from Manchester to pay Glasgow a short visit, before he leaves this country for good. Also, it was Hoon Ying's birthday a few days ago...and we had a wee lunch party at Cafe Gandolfi Fish, Merchant City, Glasgow. We were all satisfied with our meals. The food was pricey...but man, it was really really good. :) I shall let the pictures do the talking.

Aunty Hoon, Sze Ern & me @ Yo Sushi

A hot cup of coffee is the perfect companion in this cold weather!

I was pouring a cup of "Honey spiced tea" at this cool tea shop, Tchai Ovna.

Ah Hoon & me.

More pictures to come once I get hold of them.... :)

K.O - ed

Yeah. KO-ed.

So tired that I can't sleep.

The past few days have been absolutely stressful and tiring.

I had 2 job interviews back to back. It ended this morning, but I am still having some chest discomfort after all the anxiety and palpitations.

1st interview didnt go very well.
2nd one a tad better.

I doubt they will want to hire me. But it is quite nice to be called for an interview...

What I can't understand is....why do we need to subject ourselves to such torture?

Medical interviews are scary, tormentous, demoralising, draining, ...dunno how else to describe it. We have pledged our lives to save people, we have taken the hippocratic oath...and yet, we still have to put ourselves under such undue stress to get a job to train?! Now, how is that fair??

Anyway, I don't wanna complain anymore. I am just so tired now. My eye bags have blocked my vision.....I'm just gonna wind down and enjoy a glass of wine..... nite.

A Lovely Day

Edinburgh is a lovely city. I spent a day there yesterday. I was glad the weather was good. It was sunny most of the time, with only 5 seconds worth of drizzle.

When I first arrived, I went to the Edinburgh Playhouse to collect my ticket. Yes, I booked a place to watch the "Disney High School Musical." I do not really know what the musical was all about, but it is certainly very popular. So, I thought, why not find out what the hype is all about!

Then, I walked along Princes Street....soaking in the sun, listening to the Scottish bagpiper in the background, and also treated myself to a huge cup of Mint Hot Chocolate Soup. hehe...chocolate soup. It was huge...but heck, I hardly go to Edinburgh. :P It was topped with sinfully yummy whipped cream and pieces of mint choc!

I sat down in Princes Street Garden sipping my hot cuppa, and watched the day go by. It felt like the perfect thing to do (although in actual fact, I have alot of other things to complete, but I decided to leave them all behind). I also spent some time at the National Scottish Art Gallery.... hehe...which is also not something I would normally do. But it was quite enjoyable.

After that, it was shopping all the way. Having lived in Glasgow for nearly 2 years now, I have to agree that Glasgow is THE place to do shopping. The shops in Edinburgh were stretched along the road and there was not as many variety as in Glasgow. But a few of the shops are bigger. I did not buy anything....but it was nice just to do window shopping.

The musical started at 7pm. The whole theatre was filled with kids....(obviously coz it is produced by Disney!) The show was entertaining, with catchy music. The story was pretty expected....you know, teenager love story. Apart from the noise made by excited kids, I enjoyed it.

By the time I got home, I was knackered. It was a fun and lovely day. :)

Also practised my photo taking skills yesterday...so here they are!

Snake-like bridge.

The famous Scott monument.

Basking the sun @ Princes Street Garden.

Peek-a-boo

Princes Street Garden.

A good and peaceful place to do yoga in the park.

Princes Street Garden.

A man & telephone booths.

This is the Edinburgh Playhouse.

Fun, Fun and Fun

I had always wanted to do wall climbing. I did it once a few years ago, and really liked it. So, yesterday, I thought why don't I learn to do it properly. I booked myself into a start up course for climbing at the Edinburgh International Climbing Centre yesterday. I had loads of FUN!

The centre was huge. The walls were really really high. But of course, I did not attempt them because they looked too scary to me. haha.

The course lasted for 3 hours, which actually was not that long. There were 5 of us, all men except me, and all of them were doing the start up course for their children. Their children love wall climbing. Man, I really felt out of place. However, they were all very nice people.

I was showed how to tie knots, how to control the rope, safety measures, etc. After all of that, we took turns to climb. I started off with the "easier" wall. Ideally, I should climb using the same coloured wall grips. But, I find myself using all the colours. hehe...playing cheat...but hey, its only my first time! :P

Then, we moved on to the more difficult walls...and this was where I really struggled. I think all of us struggled, in fact. Our arms were all aching and shaking because obviously we had not really climb before. No matter what exercise you have done before, it is different (well, thats what I think anyway). You use different muscles to climb up the wall.

Halfway through the course, my arms were tired. I still tried the wall with a difficulty of 6+. haha...I could only manage to go quarter of the journey, before I finally gave up.

I really enjoyed my wall climbing trip yesterday. I found it physically and mentally challenging.... You have to plan your climb and to be honest, the height doesn't bother me at all. When you're climbing, you are up there concentrating on how to reach the top.

Loads of people asked me why did I go to the centre in Edinburgh, rather than the one in Glasgow. My reason was the one in Edinburgh is bigger and the course was only 3 hours, compared to the 6 hour course in the Glasgow centre. Moreover, I am on holiday...I don't mind travelling in my car....hehe.

It was quite pathetic to go on my own. The only trouble now is I will not be able to go again as I do not have a climbing partner. So no one could hold on to me while I climb. Till I can find one, I guess I won't be able to practise wall climbing.

Wasting My Time

After the previous post, I thought about another patient whom I saw yesterday.

She was in her 30s, and was told that she had sent away SMSes to her neighbours stating that she has been self harming, by cutting her wrists. When approached my nursing members about this, she became angry and did not really want to admit that she had sent those text messages. She then asked if she could go for a cigarette, and was permitted to do so. Unfortunately, she had sneakily ran away from the hospital.

Of course, we were concerned that she might do something serious to herself. We had the police involved and she was seen drinking in a pub nearby. She was brought back and I reviewed her.

"Hi, I am Ling, one of the doctors," I said.

No response. In fact, she looked right through me.

Again, I said, "Hi there. Are you ok?"

Still no response. This time, she just stared at me blankly.

Then, she turned to the nurse and said, "What is she saying?"

I was like...whoa....she pretended she couldn't hear me.

"How are you feeling right now?"

Another blank face.

"I heard that you have been self harming. Do you still feel like wanting to end your life?"

She refused to answer me....and after a moment of silence, she said, "How do you think I feel?"

I replied, "Well, I really do not know. Why don't you describe to me?"

"I want to end it all," she said in an extremely hostile and angry manner.

I thought to myself, what is the point in talking to her...so I asked if she would prefer to speak to the nurse than to me. She nodded....and then added, "I want to speak to the nurse in private."

"Ok then." I left the room...feeling abit frustrated that I was actually spending time to understand your problem, and this is what I get in return...sarcasm, hostility, etc... If given a choice, I would rather not hear your problems...but no, I have dedicated my life to help you. But I do not get appreciated. What a total waste of my time.

Do You Really?

I struggled to keep a straight face yesterday when I spoke to a man in his 30s.

He said that he has been feelling "really really low" and "I don't know what is wrang (wrong) with me."

He has been drinking alcohol excessively since he was 15. He has some problems at home, in which he described that his younger brother will be abusive to him when he is drunk. He is not working and lives at home with his mother. He also admitted to abusing cocaine on a regular basis. He felt very low a few days ago, and started to self harm.

He said, "I tried to kill myself."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, I scratched my arms with a dart." (and subsequently showed me the scratch marks on his left arm)

"Oh right. What else did you do?" I asked.

"Oh...I tried to cut my neck too. I used a cork to cut my neck."

"A cork??"

"Yeah, a cork, because that was the sharpest thing I could find," he replied.

At this time, I really tried hard to stop smiling or giggling. "Be professional," I told myself.

But to be honest, if you really wanted to kill yourself, would you actually use a cork to do it? Common sense will tell you that it won't be able to cut much. You'll not die from using a cork.

On top of that, he admitted to "popping a few tablets" in an attempt to commit suicide. He could not remember the name of the tablets and added that he took about 4 to 5 white tablets. He said, "I do not know why nothing happened."

Duh! 4 -5 tablets is next to nothing, if you are trying to kill yourself! I agree that these tablets could be anything, but if you seriously wanted to end your life, you would have taken 20 minimum!

During the conversation, he said, "You have to keep me here. If you don't, I know for a fact that I will do it. I will kill my life. I don't know if I will see yous tomorrow."

I then told him that, "Staying as an inpatient would not be beneficial as his alcohol dependency can be sorted out on an outpatient basis. I think it is difficult to tell whether or not the alcohol is making you depressed, therefore, we would prefer to detox you first for at least a few months. And if you still feel low, then we will be able to address it."

All of a sudden, he doesn't want to kill himself anymore. He said, "Right ok."

He is just one of those people who does not want to take responsibility for his alcohol problems. But I found this conversation extremely amusing.

Do you really want to kill yourself?? Yeah right. (I know I am being very sarcastic here...I blame it on my job! :P)