A Lovely Day

Edinburgh is a lovely city. I spent a day there yesterday. I was glad the weather was good. It was sunny most of the time, with only 5 seconds worth of drizzle.

When I first arrived, I went to the Edinburgh Playhouse to collect my ticket. Yes, I booked a place to watch the "Disney High School Musical." I do not really know what the musical was all about, but it is certainly very popular. So, I thought, why not find out what the hype is all about!

Then, I walked along Princes Street....soaking in the sun, listening to the Scottish bagpiper in the background, and also treated myself to a huge cup of Mint Hot Chocolate Soup. hehe...chocolate soup. It was huge...but heck, I hardly go to Edinburgh. :P It was topped with sinfully yummy whipped cream and pieces of mint choc!

I sat down in Princes Street Garden sipping my hot cuppa, and watched the day go by. It felt like the perfect thing to do (although in actual fact, I have alot of other things to complete, but I decided to leave them all behind). I also spent some time at the National Scottish Art Gallery.... hehe...which is also not something I would normally do. But it was quite enjoyable.

After that, it was shopping all the way. Having lived in Glasgow for nearly 2 years now, I have to agree that Glasgow is THE place to do shopping. The shops in Edinburgh were stretched along the road and there was not as many variety as in Glasgow. But a few of the shops are bigger. I did not buy anything....but it was nice just to do window shopping.

The musical started at 7pm. The whole theatre was filled with kids....(obviously coz it is produced by Disney!) The show was entertaining, with catchy music. The story was pretty expected....you know, teenager love story. Apart from the noise made by excited kids, I enjoyed it.

By the time I got home, I was knackered. It was a fun and lovely day. :)

Also practised my photo taking skills yesterday...so here they are!

Snake-like bridge.

The famous Scott monument.

Basking the sun @ Princes Street Garden.

Peek-a-boo

Princes Street Garden.

A good and peaceful place to do yoga in the park.

Princes Street Garden.

A man & telephone booths.

This is the Edinburgh Playhouse.

Fun, Fun and Fun

I had always wanted to do wall climbing. I did it once a few years ago, and really liked it. So, yesterday, I thought why don't I learn to do it properly. I booked myself into a start up course for climbing at the Edinburgh International Climbing Centre yesterday. I had loads of FUN!

The centre was huge. The walls were really really high. But of course, I did not attempt them because they looked too scary to me. haha.

The course lasted for 3 hours, which actually was not that long. There were 5 of us, all men except me, and all of them were doing the start up course for their children. Their children love wall climbing. Man, I really felt out of place. However, they were all very nice people.

I was showed how to tie knots, how to control the rope, safety measures, etc. After all of that, we took turns to climb. I started off with the "easier" wall. Ideally, I should climb using the same coloured wall grips. But, I find myself using all the colours. hehe...playing cheat...but hey, its only my first time! :P

Then, we moved on to the more difficult walls...and this was where I really struggled. I think all of us struggled, in fact. Our arms were all aching and shaking because obviously we had not really climb before. No matter what exercise you have done before, it is different (well, thats what I think anyway). You use different muscles to climb up the wall.

Halfway through the course, my arms were tired. I still tried the wall with a difficulty of 6+. haha...I could only manage to go quarter of the journey, before I finally gave up.

I really enjoyed my wall climbing trip yesterday. I found it physically and mentally challenging.... You have to plan your climb and to be honest, the height doesn't bother me at all. When you're climbing, you are up there concentrating on how to reach the top.

Loads of people asked me why did I go to the centre in Edinburgh, rather than the one in Glasgow. My reason was the one in Edinburgh is bigger and the course was only 3 hours, compared to the 6 hour course in the Glasgow centre. Moreover, I am on holiday...I don't mind travelling in my car....hehe.

It was quite pathetic to go on my own. The only trouble now is I will not be able to go again as I do not have a climbing partner. So no one could hold on to me while I climb. Till I can find one, I guess I won't be able to practise wall climbing.

Wasting My Time

After the previous post, I thought about another patient whom I saw yesterday.

She was in her 30s, and was told that she had sent away SMSes to her neighbours stating that she has been self harming, by cutting her wrists. When approached my nursing members about this, she became angry and did not really want to admit that she had sent those text messages. She then asked if she could go for a cigarette, and was permitted to do so. Unfortunately, she had sneakily ran away from the hospital.

Of course, we were concerned that she might do something serious to herself. We had the police involved and she was seen drinking in a pub nearby. She was brought back and I reviewed her.

"Hi, I am Ling, one of the doctors," I said.

No response. In fact, she looked right through me.

Again, I said, "Hi there. Are you ok?"

Still no response. This time, she just stared at me blankly.

Then, she turned to the nurse and said, "What is she saying?"

I was like...whoa....she pretended she couldn't hear me.

"How are you feeling right now?"

Another blank face.

"I heard that you have been self harming. Do you still feel like wanting to end your life?"

She refused to answer me....and after a moment of silence, she said, "How do you think I feel?"

I replied, "Well, I really do not know. Why don't you describe to me?"

"I want to end it all," she said in an extremely hostile and angry manner.

I thought to myself, what is the point in talking to her...so I asked if she would prefer to speak to the nurse than to me. She nodded....and then added, "I want to speak to the nurse in private."

"Ok then." I left the room...feeling abit frustrated that I was actually spending time to understand your problem, and this is what I get in return...sarcasm, hostility, etc... If given a choice, I would rather not hear your problems...but no, I have dedicated my life to help you. But I do not get appreciated. What a total waste of my time.

Do You Really?

I struggled to keep a straight face yesterday when I spoke to a man in his 30s.

He said that he has been feelling "really really low" and "I don't know what is wrang (wrong) with me."

He has been drinking alcohol excessively since he was 15. He has some problems at home, in which he described that his younger brother will be abusive to him when he is drunk. He is not working and lives at home with his mother. He also admitted to abusing cocaine on a regular basis. He felt very low a few days ago, and started to self harm.

He said, "I tried to kill myself."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, I scratched my arms with a dart." (and subsequently showed me the scratch marks on his left arm)

"Oh right. What else did you do?" I asked.

"Oh...I tried to cut my neck too. I used a cork to cut my neck."

"A cork??"

"Yeah, a cork, because that was the sharpest thing I could find," he replied.

At this time, I really tried hard to stop smiling or giggling. "Be professional," I told myself.

But to be honest, if you really wanted to kill yourself, would you actually use a cork to do it? Common sense will tell you that it won't be able to cut much. You'll not die from using a cork.

On top of that, he admitted to "popping a few tablets" in an attempt to commit suicide. He could not remember the name of the tablets and added that he took about 4 to 5 white tablets. He said, "I do not know why nothing happened."

Duh! 4 -5 tablets is next to nothing, if you are trying to kill yourself! I agree that these tablets could be anything, but if you seriously wanted to end your life, you would have taken 20 minimum!

During the conversation, he said, "You have to keep me here. If you don't, I know for a fact that I will do it. I will kill my life. I don't know if I will see yous tomorrow."

I then told him that, "Staying as an inpatient would not be beneficial as his alcohol dependency can be sorted out on an outpatient basis. I think it is difficult to tell whether or not the alcohol is making you depressed, therefore, we would prefer to detox you first for at least a few months. And if you still feel low, then we will be able to address it."

All of a sudden, he doesn't want to kill himself anymore. He said, "Right ok."

He is just one of those people who does not want to take responsibility for his alcohol problems. But I found this conversation extremely amusing.

Do you really want to kill yourself?? Yeah right. (I know I am being very sarcastic here...I blame it on my job! :P)

Better In Time

I really love this song...bcoz I think it relates to me...and I suppose, to alot of heart broken people out there.

Better in Time by Leona Lewis

Its been the longest winter without you
I didnt know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

go in, come in
thought i heard a knock
who's there? no one
thinking that i deserved it
now i realize that i really didn't know
you didn't notice, you mean everything
quickly i'm learning, to love again
all i know is, i will be ok

thought i couldn't live without you
its gonna hurt when it heals too
it'll all get better in time
eventhough i really love you
i'm gonna smile cause i deserve to
it'll all get better in time

how could i turn on the tv
without something there to remind me
was it all that easy
to just put aside your feelings?

if i'm dreaming
don't wanna let, hurt my feelings

but that's the path, i believe in
and i know that, time will heal it
you didn't notice, you mean everything
quickly i'm learning, to love again
all i know is, i will be ok

thought i couldn't live without you
its gonna hurt when it heals too
it'll all get better in time
eventhough i really love you
i'm gonna smile cause i deserve to
it'll all get better in time

since there's no more you and me
its time i let you go so i could be free
and live my life how it should be (no no no no no no)
no matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
yes i will

thought i couldn't live without you
its gonna hurt when it heals too
it'll all get better in time
eventhough i really love you
i'm gonna smile cause i deserve to (yes i do)
it'll all get better in time

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Yes we do indeed.

This excellent book, written by Lionel Shriver, was just intense!

At first, I felt that the book was too wordy....but as I continued to turn the pages, oh my, the story became more exciting. It is about a nearly 16 year old boy, who committed mass murder at his own school using his perfect skills - archery (instead of the usual gun shootings). He personally selected 7 of his fellow students, whom he disliked, and 1 teacher. He cleverly locked them up in the gym and gruesomely killed them, with his arrows. The more shocking part of the book was he even killed his own father and sister with the same method!! The author did a brilliant job of creating the whole scene using simple, yet powerful words.....and I could seriously picture it in my head....*scary.

Man, this book is really good. Thumbs up!!!!

Nice Saturday

Today I hung out with szel's friends. It was her friend's bday lunch. We had lunch at a Turkish restaurant in Glasgow....hmm..can't really remember the name now. But it would be my first Turkish meal here. My expectations were high because I doubt any place could beat Anatolia (an excellent Turkish restaurant in Dundee).

I ordered apple tea for drinks and had their soup of the day. I don't know how to describe the soup. It had a sourish taste...and it didn't help that the soup of not hot enough! I would rate it as so-so. But their flat bread was yummy.

My main course was really interesting. It was "Roasted pepper and apple dolma." At first, I was skeptical. I didn't know what is a dolma...and apple dolma? I thought it sounded pretty weird. But then again, the stranger a food is, the more it intrigues me. Therefore, I decided to just go for it. According to wikipedia, a dolma is "a stuffed vegetable." The dish was not bad...I mean, it was quite tasty. Inside the pepper and apple was their spiced Turkish rice. All in all, I think the restaurant was just ok. Anatolia is still the best!

After food, we all headed to the cinema to catch the new movie, "Jumpers." I have to admit that I am no longer the movie buff I used to be. I don't know the name of the latest movie, etc. So I just kinda tagged along with the group. I had no idea what Jumpers was all about....which is good in a way, coz then, I would not be biased. hehe.

Anyway, the movie was short and sweet. Storyline was cool in a sense, but just ok-ish, if you get what I mean. But hey, I guess ogling at Hayden Christensen for just about an hour and a half was pretty worth it. hehe. And Jamie Bell of Billy Elliot fame has grown so much!

Saturday is now over...tomorrow is Sunday...and then, it would be Monday, AGAIN! sigh.

Roasted pepper & apple dolma! Pretty cool presentation.

Keith Urban - Stupid Boy

Congratulations to Keith Urban for winning the grammys! :D I absolutely love his songs... :) His winning song....Stupid boy, is excellent.

Life is Like This

I sometimes wish I could become a small girl all the time, and never grow up.

I remember when I was in primary school, life was fun, carefree, stress-free, happy, etc. I have to say those were the days when I was REALLY really happy. I don't remember being worried or unhappy about things, except having to memorise the times table.

Now, more than a decade later, I have changed. Life is no longer as carefree or stress free as it was. I am never truly happy everyday. There is not a day where I don't get worried about something. There is not a single day that has passed by without any stress. There are so many responsibilities to take on and I get pressurised either at work or home.

At home, I get stress from parents who keeps reminding me that I am old and should get married. Well, if it was that simple, then everyone in the whole world, would be married eh? Parents never understand that relationships don't just turn up right in front of the face. It takes time and its never easy to find a partner. Even if you do find one, it may or may not work out. Relationship comes, relationship goes. It is hurtful but I guess shit happens. I can't speak for my parents, but I could sense that not getting married will be unacceptable to them. This is a very unpleasant stress. I wished I could ask them to let me be....but I can't, because I know that they are just parents who are worried.

You can never run away from stress at work. I noticed that having worked in psychiatry for 2 months now, I have lost my ability to empathise those with alcohol problems, associated with depression. I have became very blunt when I speak to them. I told one of my patients recently that if he doesn't stop drinking, "your organs will slowly fail one by one, and you will die a slow painful death." I couldn't believe that these words came out from my mouth. That was indeed not a very nice thing to say.

With all these stressors in life, I feel that I need to have someone to listen or talk to me. I am blessed to have good pals, whom I do moan to frequently. I guess everyone has something to moan about. We, humans, are never satisfied with what we have. Don't get me wrong, I am very glad to have a decent job to help pay bills. There are alot of people with worse problems.

Arrghh....I don't know. I just feel the urge to moan at the moment. No one here to listen to what I have to say....so I shall just write it in my blog.

Petronas CNY Advertisement

I love the yearly petronas advertisement for CNY. It really inspires me. This one in particular is quite heart wrenching. Somehow, I could see some part of myself in that little boy. I remember smiling and waving goodbye at everyone...just like the way he does it, while waiting for the bus to arrive.

I am absolutely sorry mum and dad for not making it home for CNY reunion dinner this year.

新的一年

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!
May the Rat year bring you lots of good fortune, luck and happiness!

This song is called "Xin De Yi Nian" (A New Year). This video is being shown on Astro...boy, I really miss my Astro during CNY... all the CNY movies, videos..etc..

四千金 - 过新年

Don't ask me what the title says... I can only read a bit of chinese. I think the group is called 4 something, and the title is "Kuo Xin Nian" (Celebrating New Year). hehe. Well, the reason for posting this video is because I remember watching their chinese new year video every year since I was a wee girl. There were very small too when they first started to sing...my, they have grown quite alot!

So Unlike Me

I woke up this morning at 5.45 am, which is not unusual for my really bizzare sleeping pattern.

And then, guess what I did next?

I got up from my bed, had a glass of water, headed to the kitchen, and started to take my leftover rice out from the fridge. Then, I took a raw egg, vegetables, and garlic....and started to chop them up. Yeah, before I actually realise it, I began to heat the frying pan, and started to cook fried rice!!! It was unlike me to cook at 6.15 in the morning! The moon is probably going to be blue tonight.

Think this is really strange. Cooking has been a real issue for me. I don't really cook much, and most times, I find myself extremely lazy to prepare my meals...unless I was cooking for a few people, of course. If I am cooking only for myself....then most likely, I would not bother to cook.

I packed the rice to work today, and just finished eating it. To be truthful, I think this is my first rice meal for lunch in "years!" Yes, no kidding. Most of the time, I find myself eating sandwiches. So I am actually quite proud of myself in some ways. Now I am filled, and that should provide me with enough energy for my on call later today. hehe.

Don't Discharge Me!

I found it really funny that just a couple of days ago, one of my patients refused to leave the hospital.

Now, tell me, how bizzare is that?

So far, patients would jump at the slightest idea of going home....or they would keep asking you, "When can i go home doc?" And, sometimes you will get patients who will irregular discharge themselves.

This funny patient of mine was admitted for alcohol detox. He has drinking far too much alcohol, in fact, he told us that, "I would drink until I collapse." It was not unusual for him to be found lying unconscious outside pubs most nights. We decided to detox him. He also informed us that he is feeling quite depressed.

Upon completing his detox, we told him that he will be followed up by the community addictions team. He was not happy....said that he needed help. Yeap, help we have given, by kicking off a detox programme. We won't be able to address your depression until he has addressed his alcohol problem.

He said, "You guys are discharging me too soon. I need help. I am depressed."

"Well, we have detoxed you. You are already on an antidepressant."

"I don't think thats helping me. I need time to sort my head out."

"Ok. But you have only started to take the antidepressant for 1 week so far. It would take a minimum for 2 weeks before you feel anything. Moreover, drinking alcohol excessively can also make you depressed. So we think it is best for you to get rid of this addiction first, before we look into you depression."

"No, you don't understand. Its not the alcohol. I am depressed. I need help."

He doesnt seem to want to take the responsibility that alcohol is a problem for him. Again, we explained that he is to be discharged the next day. This ward is not a place for him to get his mind sorted.

He became quite angry and said,"I want to file a complaint. This is not on. I will get my lawyers into this." We just replied, "Ok, you can put in a complaint. We will show you the forms."

A few hours later.....

His lawyer arrived. He himself found it rather funny that the patient wants him to fight for him to stay longer in the hospital....

I do not know the outcome of this thing.

But I find this really really amusing, and also, he doesn't seem to understand that he should be responsible for his own actions, and not blame us for not helping him. We can only help him to a certain extent, detox & antidepressant. The rest is all up to him.

Chasing Pavements

Love this song. Somewhat meaningful. Somewhat explains how I feel.