Overwhelmed!

I feel so overwhelmed from work! I wonder, sometimes, whether I am cut out for this job. You know, it's been 2 and a half years that I've been doing this, but, I still get ovewhelmed, especially when I am doing night shifts.

We do 7 nights in a row. My first night has been the worse of all, so far. It was such a busy night. There were at least 3 sickies at that time, 2 of which died on me. I really hate the feeling when patients die within a few hours of hospital admission. It just gives me this feeling that I have not done anything to save the patient. It feels as though I must had missed something, or was not doing enough to prolong his/her life.

One of them was an elderly lady, while the other lady was in her 50s! She just went became unconcious. We managed to get her back after about 3 cycles of CPR. That gave me some time to discuss the case over with the consultant, and we felt that, she would not be a candidate for ITU, so therefore, we had to just let her go.

I still get goose bumps just thinking about what happened. It was horrible. She was vomited bloody fluid during CPR, her colour was blue, her eyes were rolling, she was cheyne-stoking! gosh...I really hate my job now.

Anyway, she is in a more comfortable place now. Just feel sorry for her family.......and I just could not stop thinking whether I have missed something.

The rest of the nights were better....however, again, last night, it was absolutely rubbish. There were quite a number of admissions. A patient was extremely unwell in HDU, and I kept getting pulled up, down, left and right, by fellow nurses, and my team of hospital at night specialist nurses.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I was being slow in reviewing my patients....I mean, I really did try to be quicker...but I really hate missing things. Because it was such a busy night, I had to leave the work I was doing, to complete another. So everything felt like it was all over the place.

The nurse was like, "Have you seen Mr. Y yet?? He came in earlier than Mr. X....and you went to see Mr. X first." I replied, "Well, it's because Mr. X is sicker than Mr. Y, so he get the priority." And I was thinking to myself, helllo?! This is not a queue in the supermarket....the sicker the patient, the earlier he gets seen, regardless of who comes in first! And you claim that you are a senior staff nurse?! She then replied, "Well, its just because I need to write up my bit...and I'm going home soon." I then said, "Look, there's only one of me here. I have alot of other things to deal with at the same time. So I will see him as soon as I get a chance."

I really do not like to bitch about nurses....but, sometimes I can't help it! So my apologies first to anyone who gets offended by this.

I think it was Tuesday today, but it was actually Wednesday......which means, I have only 2 more nights to go. I get so disorientated with time and days on these shifts, that it is not even funny.

The consultant who is on-call with me, is actually my immediate educational supervisor. And whether it is because he intimidates me or I am trying to prove myself to him, I do not how to describe this little ache in my heart......I left work this morning with a horrible feeling that I have missed something. I found it difficult to sleep...only managed 2 hours today. I pray deep down that no disaster was detected and everything I did was okie. Sigh, I should try to de-complicate my life.