The Sky is Crying For Them

What a week! Never have I been this emotionally disturbed after work as I have last week. One after another sad events seem to be happening to all my beloved patients.

1. A young 66 year old man, with multiple metastasis to liver/lungs, but unknown primary, died within 2 weeks of being diagnosed. His wife was distraught. To make matters worse, he died while she went away to have a cup of tea as she didn't want to face her husband in tears.

2. A lady, aged 70-ish, who was diagnosed with a right parietal infarct in her brain, which left her with mild residual weakness of left arm, presented with worsening left sided weakness, to the extent that she kind of neglected her left side and was stumbling. An urgent repeat CT showed multiple brain metastasis, again, the primary cancer is unknown. Neither did she nor I expected this...as I thought she merely had an extension of her stroke. She was very upset....and the fact that she has worked in a Hospice for over 20 years, made her aware of what she is going to face in the next few weeks to months or years! She was so emotionally unstable...her son also lost his ability to calm his mother down.

3. A 75 year old man, with a history of weight loss and epigastric pain, presented with general tiredness, confusion and severe dehydration. He looked really unwell. He was jaundiced, cachetic, and very confused. We wanted to arrange an urgent CT for him, but unfortunately his poor kidney function did not allow for it. So we opted for an abdominal ultrasound scan, which revealed a mass at the head of pancreas. He died on the 4th day of his hospital admission. It was an unpleasant scene, as his wife, is a young Asian lady, who did not really comprehend English... so making explanation difficult...it was awful that we couldn't find an interpreter. However, luckily her friends were able to translate some English words for her.

At the end of the week, I was an emotional wreck. I know that dying is part of life, but honestly, informing family members the bad news was difficult and watching them cry for their loved ones, was even worse! I felt my heart twisting in pain, and could feel my emotions building up.... but I had to remind myself to maintain composure.

The poor wife of one of the patients asked me, "Can he hear me??? Can he see me?? Is he going to die today??" A felt a huge lump building up in my throat....I mean how are you meant to be responding to such questions?

And I wonder why the new year has started so badly for them all. The sky is also crying for them....the silly weather has been windy and stormy.

I do not know whether doctors should or shouldn't be holding back their emotions in circumstances like these. I mean, at the end of the day, I am just another normal human being. I remember being told at medical school, that as a doctor, I should empathise...but should NEVER ever cry with the patients or family. In some ways I feel that, if I cry, then, I will not be able to provide good support for them and I might be deemed unprofessional??? But if I don't cry, does that mean I am emotion-less?? I don't know.