=(

I think I am maybe too emotionally attached to my patients. But, I am only human, and as a human, you cannot control your feelings towards a person. At least that is what I think.

I have been with this particular patient of mine for nearly 4 weeks now. When I first got to know him, he was a chirpy lovely elderly man who was being investigated for a "lesion" in his liver. And as probably expected, this so-called lesion turned out to be HCC (hepatocellular carcinoma). Throughout these few weeks, I have to say, he was gradually deteriorating. Day by day, he was becoming more lethargic, less talkative and totally lost his appetite. I guess that is just how fast cancer can overwhelm a person. Whenever you asked him how he was doing, he would say, "I am brand new, dear. I feel fine, my dear. Just do whatever you need to do dear. I do not mind at all."

Today, for the first time, I saw him in tears. He was in extreme pain from his liver, and experiencing bad diaphragmatic irritation, which caused him to have recurrent hiccups. Even then, when I asked him how he was, he told me he was ok. When I saw him like that, I couldn't help to feel so sorry for him. Things weren't better when his family members (who are all lovely people) were there with him. His wife had to leave the ward as she was devastated by the sight of his suffering.

Tears began welling up in my eyes. But I told myself that I should not cry. I know that he doesn't have much time left to live, as even the gastro consultant, who specialises in liver, thought that he was not fit enough for any treatment. At the moment, we are just trying to provide symptomatic relief. Poor man. God bless him.

I do not think I can work in palliative care. I would be really emotionally attached to my patients...and I would probably be frustrated most times. =(