Why Do I Crumble At Times of Anxiety?!

"Mind over matter."

"All too frequently, anxiety crushes not only your spirit and your potential, but your ability to take care of your mind and body." ~ Jonathan Davidson and Henry Dreher, The Anxiety Book: Developing Strength in the Face of Fear.

"Nerves and butterflies are fine - they're a physical sign that you're mentally ready and eager. You have to get the butterflies to fly in formation, that's the trick." ~Steve Bull

Have you ever wish that you could just behave abit more normally when you are anxious/nervous?

Have you ever looked back and think, "Oh man, I can't believe I just said that?"

Have you told yourself that everything will be fine, and yet it doesn't turn out that way?

Have you ever wish that you have never ever have to go through this whole frightening situation again?

I guess most of us would probably have said "yes" to at least one of the questions above. The second quote certainly applies to me. I just sat for one of final medical exam, called "PACES." It is a clinical skills examination, where the exam candidate rotates through 5 different stations, and if you pass it, you will gain membership into the royal college of physicians, which then, allows that person to further specialise into the medical field.

I took the exam only yesterday. I have been building myself up to the exam over the past few weeks. When the examination day arrived finally, I told myself, "Just be calm, and you'll be alright."

Guess what?

I was really really really nervous. I tried to take a few deep breaths, but still felt much the same. I started off with a communications/ethics station. I was asked to discuss whether ventilation is appropriate for a lady with end stage COPD. I thought that invasive ventilation is probably not appropriate, but non invasive one, would be her ceiling of care. However, the feedback I got from the consultant was not good at all. From his point of view, ventilation would still be appropriate in her case. hmmm...

Then, I moved on to the dreaded Station 5. There were 2 cases in the station. The first one was a guy with vision loss....I was only given 6 mins to talk to him, and explain what I thought was the problem. I didn't have much time to explain to him what I thought was the problem....so I guess I lose marks for that. I did better in the 2nd case.

I moved on to examinations skills stations. I had to examine 4 different patients. I think I did worst in the respiratory one...purely because I totally missed the 1cm scar at the side of his chest! yeah...it was 1 cm long!! my eyes really have failed me. And I didn't get the diagnosis right in his case. :( A few questions were directed at me...and honestly, I really don't believe the answers that came out of my mouth!

I finished the exam at the history taking station. This didnt go well either because I couldn't finish on time....the patient was so long winded, and I think he didn't know his history properly. So I faltered there.... sigh.

Is this all just nervousness? If it is, I really need to know how to overcome this. I personally don't think that the cases were too difficult...but my brain has just decided to work separately from my body...and everything just seemed to have gone wrong on the examination day!

:(

I am very disappointed with my performance. I can only blame my ownself for this. I am most likely going to fail it. The only consolation I have is that it will not be the end of the world if I do fail. I can try again in December...

Guess I probably have to do more locum shifts to get some money back to pay for this very expensive examination. Results won't be out till next month, I better enjoy the time off I have, before I start preparing for the examination again!

A Pool of Blood!

For the first time in my life, I have felt alot....I mean, seriously, ALOT, of blood pouring through my fingers.

So far, I have dealt with minor bleeding in patients after venepuncture, or angiograms. But, today, patient X, fell onto the floor after having a seizure. Patient X cracked the back of X's head, and subsequently, bled from the wound.

When I arrived at the scene, patient X was already lying in a puddle of blood....One of my colleagues applied pressure on the wound with his bare hands as he wanted to stop the bleeding quickly. I offered to take over from him, as I had gloves on.

I used some gauze to help seal the wound. However, blood kept pouring out of the wound...I could actually feel the warmth of the blood through my fingers. The nurses kindly got me a surgical pad, which I applied with good force on the scalp. I had to place the entire surface of both of my hands on his scalp, and also at the same time, trying to stabilise his head, as he was very agitated. It was quite a difficult task I must say! Finally, after about 10mins or so, the bleeding stopped.....thankfully!

After that, my arms ached. The muscles in my forearms were twitching. The shaking was definitely not due to nervousness. I have no problems looking at blood. I think it was probably due to the way was trying to put pressure on the wound, and also, the amount of persistent pressure I had to apply to patient X's scalp. Imagine having your fingers spread out on a person's scalp to hold and stabilise it as well. I have to admit I have pretty small hands, which made it a bit more difficult.

It was quite an experience for me, as so far, I have never been involved in any moderate-major trauma. I would never ever forget the sight of pouring blood and that warm sensation of blood when is just seeps through my fingers.

Take That Rocks!

TAKE THAT is FANTABULOUS!

Yeap....their Progress tour has began. They started off in Sunderland as usual. And I was one of those lucky fans who managed to get tickets to watch them live in their next stop, which was Manchester, where they all came from.

I am a mega fan of Take That. I loved them since I heard their song "Babe" and "Back for Good." I was very excited when the boys (or maybe I should call them men) decided to reunite a few years back! I was slightly sceptical when Robbie joined them last year...but I have to say, it was really nice to see them all together on the stage.

The show kicked off with The Pet Shop Boys....unfortunately, I didn't manage to watch their entire performance, as I was running late.....and....ermm....coz I was too busy choosing which t-shirt(s) to buy from the stall outside. hehehe...

...............75 pounds less later (yes i know!), I eventually went in and saw about 15 mins of The Pet Shop Boys. They were entertaining, and certainly, got the crowd going.

Take That (minus Robbie) began their gig with "Rule the world," one of my favourite songs. The interesting thing to note was that this particular song was the closing tune for their Circus tour. It was like they were continuing their gig from where they last toured in 2009. A few songs later, the 4 of them went behind the stage....and Robbie appeared on the stage, on his own.

I never was a huge fan of Robbie (the person)....but I do like his solo music. He started off his own mini gig by singing Rock DJ! I loved the fact that Robbie sang a few of his own solo songs on stage...and at the end of it, he was joined by the other 4, singing tunes from their new album, and popular songs when they were a team back then.

I really enjoyed myself! There were fireworks, confetti, human chess board, amazing dancing troupe....wow...the gig was brilliant!

The Circus vs Progress tour?

I personally think that The Circus tour is the better of the two. I thought that The Circus tour was more extravagant and playful, which made it special. The Progress tour was more serious & grown-up. It really showed how much the guys have "progressed" and moved on.

Having said that, the stages were set with similar ideas. For example, in the Circus, there was one main stage, and another that tracked into the middle of the concert venue. This concept was maintained in The Progress tour. The other similarity was the use of robotics. It was a robotic human in the Progress tour, while in the Circus, they created a robotic elephant.

For those of you who are unable to catch the gig, I would highly recommend that you buy the DVD when it is out later this year, you will not regret it!

Let the show begin!

Yellow confetti!

The grand finale (the robotic human is in white)